A World of Meaning » acceptance

Does Your Mother Irritate You? How to Stop It.

Eric J Tischler — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 16:27:09 +0000

A few years ago I went back east to visit my elderly mother. She was about 86 at the time. She is still pretty sharp, but getting a bit inattentive, unfocused, momentarily forgetful and so forth. That can get frustrating. Aside from that, she’s still the person she has always been, which, frankly, could get irritating as well. There have always been things she did that were irritating. And now, as an old lady, there are a few more.

Anyway, during this visit of about 5 days, as time progressed I found myself running into these same old and new frustrations and getting more and more impatient and bothered, and as much as I tried to behave myself my irritation was becoming an irritation to her as well. I didn’t want that. She couldn’t help being as she was, whether due to personality or age, and it wasn’t my job to change her, even if I could. Being the sort of person who always wants to become more at peace and loving, I naturally questioned my behavior and found a solution.

I observed that my irritation was not about my mother’s behavior but about my “needs” and as a result I was denying her a comfortable experience of my presence. I was there for both of us to enjoy each other’s company, but what was happening was I was complaining about what I was not getting. It was about me, not us. I was being selfish and grasping. I’m sure that there was some element of my child self that was still trying to get the kind of ideal mother experience that I had not quite had all those years. Overall, she was a good mother, and still, I wanted her to be a certain way. I also wanted her not to fade away into old age and become even less of the perfect mother I had dreamed of. But that’s not life.

Life is how you are in the world, not how others are to you. The child self is all about getting things and experiences for itself, for it survival and growth. As we grow up we need to transition to self-sufficiency and learn to give. Giving is what builds the world. “Getting-ism” is the world’s big problem. People grab and complain and take and hoard. And if they are “generous” it is too often to get something in return, even if it’s only a thank you, and then they complain about not getting a thank you. That’s not giving. They complain about others because, like a child, they are not getting what they want. As a result they themselves add to the world more irritation, yet another who is not a giving person but a getter.

So what did I do about my mom? I did nothing but to stop trying to get an experience just for me, and was mindful of what I was giving her. What did she want? To be loved as she is. What do I want? To love her as she is, and to be that kind of person who is myself not an irritation, which is what I was becoming over the course of those five days.

I’m not perfect myself. I’m sure there are things I do that are not another person’s ideal, but that’s me. They may be just personality traits or actual imperfections, but I’m me, and I do my best. So does my mom. So do we all; and what we can do better is offer to each other peace and patience, and not just mere tolerance.

Gandhi said to be the change you want to see in the world. I changed myself, but not to change my mother. Yet I did change my experience of her. While she was still the way she was, and I still have to experience her limitations and personality quirks, they are no longer irritating. I love her. I let her be, and I am a better person for it. And she in turn has a better experience of me and of life. I gave her something: peace. I have grown up.

Finding Heaven On Earth

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:45:39 +0000

The only evil in this world is our own repetition of the negativity of others. We are exposed to judgment and all manner of negative behaviors and responses to what happens, including fear, all during our lives. We have to make the choice in each moment to respond to our experiences in a better way than we have been shown. We have been judged and didn’t like it, yet despite our dislike of judgment we learned to judge others and ourselves as if that were a virtue or socially useful behavior. How can we take on and continue a behavior we didn’t like to be exposed to in the first place?

When I was growing up I was picked on a fair amount. I picked up the habit of judging as I was judged, and for years treated myself as badly as the other kids did. I also learned to judge others in subtle and not so subtle ways. I was out of high school but I carried high school around inside me for a couple of decades. I had become my own enemy, all because of how others demonstrated how I should be treated, and how one treated others.

It should be obvious, but do you realize that having any sort of disapproval of what or how someone is doing something is judgment and is as harsh as any attack? How often do you see someone dressed a certain way and you “don’t like it” or “don’t care for it”? So what? Do you want to live in a world that is like your high school where anyone who was a little different was looked down on? And do you really want to do that to yourself?

Free yourself from others judgments by freeing yourself from judging others, and thus end your playing along with, yes, the only evil in the world. Don’t judge yourself. The best experience one can have is non-judgment – feeling accepted as you are, imperfections and all, but also accepting others just the same. Indeed the greatest imperfection, perhaps the only one, is judgment of imperfection itself. Even judgment of judgment is a mistake.

There’s that old saying, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” In separation there will be mistakes, deficiencies and plain old differences, but that is inherent in a world created out of our imperfect conception of ourselves and of reality. Yet the divine self, the true nature of our being in spirit, is unconcerned with the external time and space manifestations of separation. It concerns itself with its own inner state, which it maintains according to truth, and the reality of Oneness. When we attune to that and cease judgment we have eliminated that much more “evil” (non-love, non-truth, separation-thinking) from the world.

So what do you do? Experience. See and observe and feel without condemnation. Then you are a peaceful presence, rather than going around and striking others with your opinions or flagellating yourself silently as if that would impress anyone you would want to impress. You are now free and so are they; free from the battery of judgment you have endured for so long.

(Note: I was at a gathering a while back and a woman across the room whom I hadn’t met yet glanced at me and I felt her judge me for some reason. It actually felt like I had been batted in the head with a pillow! So you see, when you judge, you actually do impact others with subtle energy. It can also reinforce in others subconsciously that they are in an unloving world and that there is something wrong with them. Haven’t we had enough of that?)

When you were in school I’m sure you wanted good friends; people who didn’t judge you, because it felt good to be accepted for who you were. When others or your parents differed in their opinions of how you were living your life or judged you for some reason it didn’t feel good. You wanted to be accepted. Unfortunately we are taught to try to win acceptance by conforming, and oddly, sometimes that conformity is manifested by joining in the judgment and non-acceptance of self and others. Accepting judgments and feeling bad about your self or resentful are part of this as well. We are taught to seek acceptance but not to give it. This is the error of the world run by ideas of separation.

Remember that the world is backwards from spirit. We put the cart before the horse – before the engine of manifestation – which is our own spirit. Thus, if you want to be accepted you must accept others and self. Ego tries to get stuff for itself first. “I want to be accepted” it says, but really one best dwells on “I treasure the feeling of being accepted so I will accept myself and share that treasure by accepting others as they are.” Thus you center in your spirit, your own true state, without seeking something from others in time/space that you can create within yourself and share with everyone.

Also note that you can make choices without the condemnation sort of judgment. This is an important distinction. To observe that someone is living a negative pattern is not condemnation, and not judging doesnt mean you aren’t observing when it’s not good to be involved with that person in some way. Non-judgment is also a matter of remembering that each person has been through experiences that they didn’t have the tools to handle with grace and come away without being negatively shaped by them. And that you are the same in that respect. It also means that in loving them as they are without condemnation AND with choice will remove from their lives and the world the “abuse” that is condemnation and will aid them, others and you in rising even higher and with greater ease.

With no bargain to make, no compromise or sale necessary, you find you already have the greatest treasure: self-acceptance and non-judgment of others as your core of character. Your life is wrapped in the warm blanket of love and radiates peace and kindness toward all. This is heaven on Earth.

Finding Divine Purpose in Alcoholism, Etc.

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:33:09 +0000

When you are in a relationship with an alcoholic or anyone exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, your primary task is to heal yourself. Yes, it is totally valid to want to heal another, but you need to be aware of the whole picture. His (or her) behavior is in your life for a spiritual purpose. That doesn’t mean it should be left alone and not dealt with, but rather that the arena of healing is not just in him, but in you. He is in your life as as divine stimulation for your issues and to awaken real love in place of codependency. Thank him inwardly for it and inwardly say “I free you not to change until I learn my lesson.” Mean it and you will make huge progress.

One of my core teachings is that all negative emotion is an attempt to get something from others. Put kindly, it is a leftover from our infancy when we cried and fussed to get what we wanted because that was all we knew how to do. We were indeed dependent and helpless then, but as adults we must put that away and turn to action. As SPIRITUAL adults we must next learn to do the inner work/play to create what we want. That means meditation, forgiveness, love, compassion, letting go, accepting self and others as is while doing what is appropriate to maintain balance and function.

Again, all negative emotion is about trying to get something from someone else. It operates in separation rather than Oneness, which works via vibration of consciousness. This is embodied in what is called manifesting or the law of attraction. When you try to change another by mere material world action you are fighting separation, but vibrational changes in your own consciousness circumvent the idea/domain of separation and operate in the Oneness from which all manifestation arises. Then you have no one to fight, beg, manipulate, appease, avoid, bargain with or hate. And there is no one to condemn. All behaviors you experience anywhere are matters of your own consciousness and not of others. You have no bothers outside yourself, and all your solutions are within.

The process of shifting from material avenues to vibrational/spiritual avenues is aided by disciplines that help change your brain – literally. To aid you in the overall process of spiritual growth I suggest meditation in particular. That will train your mind/brain to function on higher paths and enable you to be more peaceful, etc. Remember that meditation is also a form of exercise and just like any physical practice it may take time to build your meditation muscles. Like in learning anything, you literally grow new brain connections and even cells when you practice something so your brain can support it, and if you can do it just weakly at first you can get stronger, so have faith and keep at it. Acorns don’t give up because the aren’t oak trees yet, but they know they qualify and won’t consider anything else.

Another thing you have to be mindful of with a person participating in addiction is that his social life is likely tied into his vice. That will be a major challenge to overcome. Drug addicts and criminals backslide if they don’t change their social patterns. For some it means never associating with other users, but for others it means a firm spiritual change and resolution. He won’t be able to hang out in the pubs or bars or with friends while they are drinking. He will need to socialize with his friends in a different way, away for alcohol, or make other friends. He needs to understand that this is okay, and to understand that however much he cares about his friends, a toxic element in his life is poison to him and those he loves. Love them, leave them and know there are other people who will be wonderful friends who aren’t drinkers. Toxic is toxic.

There are absolute values – vibrationally speaking. That doesn’t mean we condemn those toxic things, but rather simply see toxic is not what we want and could never be. And as I state here, while this is a toxic behavior, the whole point of it is not merely to stamp it out but to clear out the other toxins, which are of our own consciousness – condemnation, unforgiveness, material attachments, the use of any sort of negativity to change your life or the life of another. All material toxins in your life – including the people in your life – arise from spiritual errors in your own consciousness. Clear them out and you will see your life and those around you rise with you.

Also, the alcoholic or any person in a harmful pattern needs to really grasp the low value of that behavior regardless of what others want from them or what they think they are getting out of it. They also have to decide they want something better and won’t compromise. Caring for others and self is critical in that decision. The universal law is that giving is receiving and receiving is giving. When they can quit drinking because they both care about others and themselves too much, then they will get progress in the process and gain traction. They have to have a reason, and giving out of spiritual love (not “if you love me you will…” but “because I love/value/care I won’t do that anymore”), both to self and others, and in freedom, is the most powerful motivator.

The power of acceptance and forgiveness are enormous. The earth turns on them, and could grind to a halt without them. How to accept? How to forgive? Abandon blame and judgment as a tool to get. Rather, receive by vibration. Just forgiving and accepting others as they are is itself a massive vibrational shift, and often that is all that is needed to create change, but do it not merely to make a change but because you mean it, because the flaw that needs to be fixed is not the external (materialistic) thing but the inner spiritual error of not forgiving and accepting. Look at the outer flaw as merely an indicator, stimulation, for pointer to the next spiritual “cleanup” for your own inner workings. Bless it and thank God that this has come to you so you can attain your most precious desire, which is expression of Spiritual Truth, love and peace in this world.

The core of the whole situation is the inner, spiritual process you are there for. Whatever this is about, the inner solutions to your ego consciousness are the whole point of the matter. This focus is the difference between materialism, which is trying to change the outer due to person to person desires, and spiritual practice, which is all about you changing your consciousness regardless of the supposedly proper outer outcome you might desire or get.

Remember you are not here to change him but to serve Truth through your own growth in your relationship with him. If it is indeed in the cards to bring him out of alcoholism, then it will happen, but your experience, whatever that will be, is cued directly out of your own consciousness and lesson needs. If ultimately you “fail” to bring him out of alcoholism but succeed in your own lessons and growth, then that is a total success. You must be willing for that to happen, as if he has chosen to remain that way – perhaps for the larger purpose of later being a motivation for others to come – then love him despite it, even if you have to go your own way personally or professionally. You don’t have to prove yourself by fixing him. Let go of that. The whole point of your existence is love and other aspects of spiritual truth.

Note: Alcoholism is a big issue, especially when the body and mind have been conditioned to it for so long, but it’s not necessarily difficult to overcome – for both of you. ACIM says, “Nothing is difficult that is wholly desired.” Yet beware of fix-him-ism. Don’t be attached to changing the other person. Rather, desire greater wellness in all the world, and build it through your own spiritual process.

Get and read a book called Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and/or other books by the same author or other books recommended on co-dependency. You will be amazed at the pervasiveness of co-dependency.