A World of Meaning » emotions

Does Your Mother Irritate You? How to Stop It.

Eric J Tischler — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 16:27:09 +0000

A few years ago I went back east to visit my elderly mother. She was about 86 at the time. She is still pretty sharp, but getting a bit inattentive, unfocused, momentarily forgetful and so forth. That can get frustrating. Aside from that, she’s still the person she has always been, which, frankly, could get irritating as well. There have always been things she did that were irritating. And now, as an old lady, there are a few more.

Anyway, during this visit of about 5 days, as time progressed I found myself running into these same old and new frustrations and getting more and more impatient and bothered, and as much as I tried to behave myself my irritation was becoming an irritation to her as well. I didn’t want that. She couldn’t help being as she was, whether due to personality or age, and it wasn’t my job to change her, even if I could. Being the sort of person who always wants to become more at peace and loving, I naturally questioned my behavior and found a solution.

I observed that my irritation was not about my mother’s behavior but about my “needs” and as a result I was denying her a comfortable experience of my presence. I was there for both of us to enjoy each other’s company, but what was happening was I was complaining about what I was not getting. It was about me, not us. I was being selfish and grasping. I’m sure that there was some element of my child self that was still trying to get the kind of ideal mother experience that I had not quite had all those years. Overall, she was a good mother, and still, I wanted her to be a certain way. I also wanted her not to fade away into old age and become even less of the perfect mother I had dreamed of. But that’s not life.

Life is how you are in the world, not how others are to you. The child self is all about getting things and experiences for itself, for it survival and growth. As we grow up we need to transition to self-sufficiency and learn to give. Giving is what builds the world. “Getting-ism” is the world’s big problem. People grab and complain and take and hoard. And if they are “generous” it is too often to get something in return, even if it’s only a thank you, and then they complain about not getting a thank you. That’s not giving. They complain about others because, like a child, they are not getting what they want. As a result they themselves add to the world more irritation, yet another who is not a giving person but a getter.

So what did I do about my mom? I did nothing but to stop trying to get an experience just for me, and was mindful of what I was giving her. What did she want? To be loved as she is. What do I want? To love her as she is, and to be that kind of person who is myself not an irritation, which is what I was becoming over the course of those five days.

I’m not perfect myself. I’m sure there are things I do that are not another person’s ideal, but that’s me. They may be just personality traits or actual imperfections, but I’m me, and I do my best. So does my mom. So do we all; and what we can do better is offer to each other peace and patience, and not just mere tolerance.

Gandhi said to be the change you want to see in the world. I changed myself, but not to change my mother. Yet I did change my experience of her. While she was still the way she was, and I still have to experience her limitations and personality quirks, they are no longer irritating. I love her. I let her be, and I am a better person for it. And she in turn has a better experience of me and of life. I gave her something: peace. I have grown up.

A Surprise “Ending” to Agony – Part 2 of 3

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 22:27:05 +0000

One all important experience occurred on a day off from work, when my pain was so severe all I could do was lay on my bedroom floor in agony. I think I was laying there for over an hour, trying to position myself in such a way that the pain would perhaps be less. It seemed nothing I could do was working. It tried all sorts of positions, both physical and mental, enduring, feeling forgiving, crying and even begging God. Maybe that helped.

After laying there for a while something occurred that illuminated my whole understanding of pain of all sorts, both physical and emotional. Suddenly, as I was lying there, the pain just stopped bothering me. Or rather, I stopped reacting emotionally to the pain. No, I didn’t go numb, nor was I even trying to ignore it, yet my mood became totally peaceful, unconcerned, and almost happy, as if there were nothing wrong. The physical pain itself had not changed at all, and was amazingly just as intense, yet I felt no distress or anguish. Perhaps I had somehow just stopped trying to do anything about it, having exhausted my efforts in all other directions, although it wasn’t apathy, surrender or passivity.

What happened? Looking back all I can say is that I had stopped complaining about it or interacting or fighting it. As I (will) write elsewhere, I have come to understand, from long observation, that all negative emotion, including agonizing over physical pain, is a deliberate action, not a “natural” reaction as some are fond of saying, which is hoped and believed to bring a remedy from someone else. It can be automatic, as many people live their lives as if unconsciously re-acting automatically to stimuli rather than consciously choosing to act.

Pain, anguish and other negative emotion is essentially a cry for help or mercy. Either you are asking for someone to help or defend you, or you are pleading for mercy from your attacker, or both. However, if one could operate on a purely logical, rational basis regarding pain, understanding this would make it possible to simply not react to it emotionally and to be able to function even cheerful while still feeling the physical pain, even without medication, including during surgery, which some are reportedly able to do. We have heard of yogis and other “dare devils” of physical stunts who undergo things like body piercing and such by mental discipline or force of will to not feel or react to any pain involved. They call it mind over matter, but really it’s logic over emotion.

What did this experience tell me? It proved to me what we have all heard at some point that all of the distress of physical pain as well as psychological stress is purely a personal reaction. Yes, this is NOT new to the field of psychology at all. I haven’t discovered fire here, but I have experienced the truth of this fact first hand, and it’s an important thing to understand.

I am grateful that in the course of my life I’ve never been in any sort of extreme physical pain other than this sciatica. I’ve been blessed with good health and physical integrity, but the sciatica came and stayed and didn’t leave until I had learned a few things. And I do truly believe that everything happens so we can learn and become healed inwardly and more whole spiritually, as follows.

One thing I learned was to have real compassion for people who are in severe pain. Due to the peer abuse I was subject to in my teen years my natural compassion for others got buried under a callus of unforgiveness for those abusers, a learned veneer of “toughness” a lot of men learn as teens to appear not soft. Yet compassion is one of the most important qualities and it ends judgment and opens the door of the heart.

Over the years I have managed to heal a great deal of my feelings from those events and have rediscovered my buried love and forgiveness, yet sometimes it takes a more solid experience to drive a lesson home. I believe being immersed in this pain was an unavoidable lesson brought to me by the Creator, a merciful challenge to reawaken my compassion. As there was nothing I could do for the pain I had to rely on this inner purpose. I knew I needed to truly wake up and open up my heart that much more.

Next post: Healing Inner and Outer Pain

How do Anti-depressants Produce Suicidal Thoughts?

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:58:45 +0000

We often hear warnings of certain medications that are made for alleviating depression causing in some people thoughts of suicide when we would expect them to do the opposite. Suicide is clearly what one would expect of the depressed. Why would this happen?

It’s simple. People are depressed because they haven’t learned to process their disappointing experiences. They don’t have the understanding that would help them look at these events with equanimity. So they get depressed, and part of the process of getting through the emotions is feeling them. Antidepressants block that ability to feel, so the negative emotions backup inside their subconscious and can explode out as the deepest of depressions considerations, which is suicide.

Because they are blocking the person from processing the feelings and thoughts, these drugs do little to help a person do anything about their feelings. Issues have to be dealt with. To me depression is not merely a chemical imbalance but a belief and thought imbalance resulting in unresolved emotions. I’ve used mood correctors and found they interfered with my ability to do something about a particular dysfunctional way I see myself and/or my world.

To say depression is a “chemical imbalance in the brain” is like saying poverty is a financial imbalance in the bank account. It denies the cause of the depression by denying the personhood of the affected person, turning them into little more than passive passengers in their bodies, with no responsibility for learning to cope with life, examine their beliefs, behaviors and attitudes.

The fact is that people are depressed because of things that happen or don’t happen and at the same time they don’t know how to deal with it. The answer is not sedation with antidepressants but to learn to deal with it in a way that is both heartfelt and logical. When I was in my youth in the sixties and seventies people, if someone said he was depressed we asked him what happened, not if he is taking his medication.

Yes, there are cases where antidepressants are good as stopgaps to help a person get by, but the real answer is answers, not drugs. Suicidal thoughts mean answers are desperately needed. Chemically blocking emotions, again, treats people like they were merely victims of chemical reactions, not people whose beliefs themselves are causing the chemical reactions.

Every thought you have is based on a belief. Every thought produces emotions, and emotions produce chemical changes in the body. If you practice these beliefs, thoughts and emotions long enough you get into habits of them because the body adapts to those patterns, like exercising a muscle. And we can use our will to examine our thoughts and change our behavior and emotions. We are people. We need to feel and to think, not just take pills.

Another question and answer: Why do people want to take pills instead of take charge of their selves? It’s because they want to avoid blame for their problems. But logically that is a defective approach. If the problem is your mistaken, dysfunctional thinking, avoiding changing your thinking is just another mistake piled on top of the first, compounding the fault and by that sort of evasive thinking earning double the blame. But really, there is no blame, just a need to correct and move on.

Our world has become to enamored of finger pointing. Sue the bastard, blame your parents, blame your chemicals, and make someone or something else – like a pill – responsible for fixing the problem, because you didn’t have anything to do with it? No, we can’t go on like that. We are people, not passengers. We need to drive change in our own lives and say no to passivity.

There are additional ways to resolve depression using diet, exercise and good psychology. There are some great articles at Mercola.com with more ideas.

Finding Divine Purpose in Alcoholism, Etc.

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:33:09 +0000

When you are in a relationship with an alcoholic or anyone exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, your primary task is to heal yourself. Yes, it is totally valid to want to heal another, but you need to be aware of the whole picture. His (or her) behavior is in your life for a spiritual purpose. That doesn’t mean it should be left alone and not dealt with, but rather that the arena of healing is not just in him, but in you. He is in your life as as divine stimulation for your issues and to awaken real love in place of codependency. Thank him inwardly for it and inwardly say “I free you not to change until I learn my lesson.” Mean it and you will make huge progress.

One of my core teachings is that all negative emotion is an attempt to get something from others. Put kindly, it is a leftover from our infancy when we cried and fussed to get what we wanted because that was all we knew how to do. We were indeed dependent and helpless then, but as adults we must put that away and turn to action. As SPIRITUAL adults we must next learn to do the inner work/play to create what we want. That means meditation, forgiveness, love, compassion, letting go, accepting self and others as is while doing what is appropriate to maintain balance and function.

Again, all negative emotion is about trying to get something from someone else. It operates in separation rather than Oneness, which works via vibration of consciousness. This is embodied in what is called manifesting or the law of attraction. When you try to change another by mere material world action you are fighting separation, but vibrational changes in your own consciousness circumvent the idea/domain of separation and operate in the Oneness from which all manifestation arises. Then you have no one to fight, beg, manipulate, appease, avoid, bargain with or hate. And there is no one to condemn. All behaviors you experience anywhere are matters of your own consciousness and not of others. You have no bothers outside yourself, and all your solutions are within.

The process of shifting from material avenues to vibrational/spiritual avenues is aided by disciplines that help change your brain – literally. To aid you in the overall process of spiritual growth I suggest meditation in particular. That will train your mind/brain to function on higher paths and enable you to be more peaceful, etc. Remember that meditation is also a form of exercise and just like any physical practice it may take time to build your meditation muscles. Like in learning anything, you literally grow new brain connections and even cells when you practice something so your brain can support it, and if you can do it just weakly at first you can get stronger, so have faith and keep at it. Acorns don’t give up because the aren’t oak trees yet, but they know they qualify and won’t consider anything else.

Another thing you have to be mindful of with a person participating in addiction is that his social life is likely tied into his vice. That will be a major challenge to overcome. Drug addicts and criminals backslide if they don’t change their social patterns. For some it means never associating with other users, but for others it means a firm spiritual change and resolution. He won’t be able to hang out in the pubs or bars or with friends while they are drinking. He will need to socialize with his friends in a different way, away for alcohol, or make other friends. He needs to understand that this is okay, and to understand that however much he cares about his friends, a toxic element in his life is poison to him and those he loves. Love them, leave them and know there are other people who will be wonderful friends who aren’t drinkers. Toxic is toxic.

There are absolute values – vibrationally speaking. That doesn’t mean we condemn those toxic things, but rather simply see toxic is not what we want and could never be. And as I state here, while this is a toxic behavior, the whole point of it is not merely to stamp it out but to clear out the other toxins, which are of our own consciousness – condemnation, unforgiveness, material attachments, the use of any sort of negativity to change your life or the life of another. All material toxins in your life – including the people in your life – arise from spiritual errors in your own consciousness. Clear them out and you will see your life and those around you rise with you.

Also, the alcoholic or any person in a harmful pattern needs to really grasp the low value of that behavior regardless of what others want from them or what they think they are getting out of it. They also have to decide they want something better and won’t compromise. Caring for others and self is critical in that decision. The universal law is that giving is receiving and receiving is giving. When they can quit drinking because they both care about others and themselves too much, then they will get progress in the process and gain traction. They have to have a reason, and giving out of spiritual love (not “if you love me you will…” but “because I love/value/care I won’t do that anymore”), both to self and others, and in freedom, is the most powerful motivator.

The power of acceptance and forgiveness are enormous. The earth turns on them, and could grind to a halt without them. How to accept? How to forgive? Abandon blame and judgment as a tool to get. Rather, receive by vibration. Just forgiving and accepting others as they are is itself a massive vibrational shift, and often that is all that is needed to create change, but do it not merely to make a change but because you mean it, because the flaw that needs to be fixed is not the external (materialistic) thing but the inner spiritual error of not forgiving and accepting. Look at the outer flaw as merely an indicator, stimulation, for pointer to the next spiritual “cleanup” for your own inner workings. Bless it and thank God that this has come to you so you can attain your most precious desire, which is expression of Spiritual Truth, love and peace in this world.

The core of the whole situation is the inner, spiritual process you are there for. Whatever this is about, the inner solutions to your ego consciousness are the whole point of the matter. This focus is the difference between materialism, which is trying to change the outer due to person to person desires, and spiritual practice, which is all about you changing your consciousness regardless of the supposedly proper outer outcome you might desire or get.

Remember you are not here to change him but to serve Truth through your own growth in your relationship with him. If it is indeed in the cards to bring him out of alcoholism, then it will happen, but your experience, whatever that will be, is cued directly out of your own consciousness and lesson needs. If ultimately you “fail” to bring him out of alcoholism but succeed in your own lessons and growth, then that is a total success. You must be willing for that to happen, as if he has chosen to remain that way – perhaps for the larger purpose of later being a motivation for others to come – then love him despite it, even if you have to go your own way personally or professionally. You don’t have to prove yourself by fixing him. Let go of that. The whole point of your existence is love and other aspects of spiritual truth.

Note: Alcoholism is a big issue, especially when the body and mind have been conditioned to it for so long, but it’s not necessarily difficult to overcome – for both of you. ACIM says, “Nothing is difficult that is wholly desired.” Yet beware of fix-him-ism. Don’t be attached to changing the other person. Rather, desire greater wellness in all the world, and build it through your own spiritual process.

Get and read a book called Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and/or other books by the same author or other books recommended on co-dependency. You will be amazed at the pervasiveness of co-dependency.

The Puppet Show of Life. The Drama! The Passion! The Fun!

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:27:18 +0000

Remember that the changes in your life and what you experience in others is built from within, but also that everything external is determined by what is within. Externals may seem to be slower to respond, but be sure you have made real changes within. You need to hold to the new path even when the externals are not yet responding. Live in peace knowing the spirit is moving. Half the task is to have faith without worry, knowing the preeminence of the Cause of all. Causes don’t bow to effects.

When you want a better experience, be in the world but not of it, meaning external events don’t determine your mood. Materail things don’t determine your spirit. You know that what Creates is your spirit. Thus it is necessary to look on and EXPERINECE without condemnation even though you know there are higher external options available. The objective value of the external event is undebatable, so you don’t need to condemn it. What the experience is about is not the other’s behavior, but your own spiritual stance in the face of it. You need to change what is determining the events of your life, and that is your own consciousness. Trying to change others is impractical materialism. Changing yourself so as to create a new expression of your spirit in life is practical spirituality.

Remember always what I teach about negative emotion: it’s always an attempt to get someone else to change, forgetting that your own issues within are what draw events to you to prod you to change your inner workings. You are the puppeteer of your life. You need to change what the hand – your spirit – is doing, not scowl at the puppet. If there’s content in the script you don’t prefer, thank the actors for letting you see it and look within at the script. See their innocence and devotion, and love them for it. Silently thank them whole heartedly. This is a major difference in one’s approach to life.

No, others are not puppets of you, but rather take the approach that your life is the puppet of you spirit. All the puppeteers in your puppet show are glad to follow your spirit-script. Even your enemies are not your enemies but actors in your play, totally and instantly devoted to the script you the author give them in each moment. I repeat: love your players, knowing they are innocent of the scripted role they are playing for you. Thank them in every moment for executing the script so exactingly, knowing that when you give them a rewrite they will respond.

You don’t battle the puppets, but change the script. And if the script includes some “dramatic” scenes now and then, you silently acknowledge how well they were played by the actors and forgive them their fearsome visage. You get to decide if you are going to get hooked by the script, or are you going to remember is all just a play, and that all are innocent and loving servants of spirit’s purpose. If you get hooked by the script then you are putting yourself in the position of a puppet, not the puppeteer/author.

While we work “on” the outer with the inner and envision it being better around us, the real test, the real aim is your inner peace in the face of the outer that may still be facing you – prompting you to change. Spiritual growth is sort of a two phase process: a) change your inner nature so it does not manifest negatives outwardly, and b) change your response to as yet “unimproved” externals so they don’t determine how you feel about them or yourself. The overall effect is a shift of thinking the causes are external to practicing the truth that they are interna. You come from true cause and true nature, respectively. They are both within, meaning spirit, the hand in the puppet of life.

What a great performance!