A World of Meaning » nonjudgement

Does Your Mother Irritate You? How to Stop It.

Eric J Tischler — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 16:27:09 +0000

A few years ago I went back east to visit my elderly mother. She was about 86 at the time. She is still pretty sharp, but getting a bit inattentive, unfocused, momentarily forgetful and so forth. That can get frustrating. Aside from that, she’s still the person she has always been, which, frankly, could get irritating as well. There have always been things she did that were irritating. And now, as an old lady, there are a few more.

Anyway, during this visit of about 5 days, as time progressed I found myself running into these same old and new frustrations and getting more and more impatient and bothered, and as much as I tried to behave myself my irritation was becoming an irritation to her as well. I didn’t want that. She couldn’t help being as she was, whether due to personality or age, and it wasn’t my job to change her, even if I could. Being the sort of person who always wants to become more at peace and loving, I naturally questioned my behavior and found a solution.

I observed that my irritation was not about my mother’s behavior but about my “needs” and as a result I was denying her a comfortable experience of my presence. I was there for both of us to enjoy each other’s company, but what was happening was I was complaining about what I was not getting. It was about me, not us. I was being selfish and grasping. I’m sure that there was some element of my child self that was still trying to get the kind of ideal mother experience that I had not quite had all those years. Overall, she was a good mother, and still, I wanted her to be a certain way. I also wanted her not to fade away into old age and become even less of the perfect mother I had dreamed of. But that’s not life.

Life is how you are in the world, not how others are to you. The child self is all about getting things and experiences for itself, for it survival and growth. As we grow up we need to transition to self-sufficiency and learn to give. Giving is what builds the world. “Getting-ism” is the world’s big problem. People grab and complain and take and hoard. And if they are “generous” it is too often to get something in return, even if it’s only a thank you, and then they complain about not getting a thank you. That’s not giving. They complain about others because, like a child, they are not getting what they want. As a result they themselves add to the world more irritation, yet another who is not a giving person but a getter.

So what did I do about my mom? I did nothing but to stop trying to get an experience just for me, and was mindful of what I was giving her. What did she want? To be loved as she is. What do I want? To love her as she is, and to be that kind of person who is myself not an irritation, which is what I was becoming over the course of those five days.

I’m not perfect myself. I’m sure there are things I do that are not another person’s ideal, but that’s me. They may be just personality traits or actual imperfections, but I’m me, and I do my best. So does my mom. So do we all; and what we can do better is offer to each other peace and patience, and not just mere tolerance.

Gandhi said to be the change you want to see in the world. I changed myself, but not to change my mother. Yet I did change my experience of her. While she was still the way she was, and I still have to experience her limitations and personality quirks, they are no longer irritating. I love her. I let her be, and I am a better person for it. And she in turn has a better experience of me and of life. I gave her something: peace. I have grown up.

Compassion: A Gateway Virtue

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 22:11:29 +0000

In our times we may feel like we are finding more and more need to do something inwardly to remedy the increasing pressures and stresses of our outward life and world. As spiritually oriented persons we understand the need for change within ourselves so that we may live in more peace within our own lives and also to contribute more peace to the world. We see our own issues and know we need to forgive and love more. That is the task of our lives: to love and accept love. Yet we find there is a barrier or gap we must cross in order to get there. Our recalcitrant egos don’t seem to want to easily let go of grievances and grief. We need some way of getting through.

The trials of our lives bring us often to react in pain and resistance. It’s natural for the animal self to want to attack the problem, but the animal self is at the far end of the consciousness spectrum as we have projected ourselves into materiality and matter-based identification. Separation-mindedness leads us to think the problem is outside of ourselves, but we must learn that separation is born only of judgement and is there for an illusion. We must use our minds to pull us back from believing in separation as a reality, to reach a point where we can hear our hearts again. Many people think that thinking doesn’t help, but as ACIM states, “changing concepts is salvation’s task.”

One idea we must get past is that attack helps. With a little thought it can be easily seen that attack/judgment is part and parcel of separation, and we must accept that there is another way that is different and leads to the peace we want. When we have and troubles that hurt us there is a powerful gift buried within them. At first they may make us think that the world or certain people within it don’t care about us. Healing begins when we note that in our own hurt we really recognize that the message here is not that the world doesn’t care, but that it needs more caring added to it. That naturally begins with us.

What do we want most when we are hurt, or when we have been caught in hurtful errors of our own? Understanding, which means really compassion and forgiveness. We want to feel safe. As the Law of the Universe and of Consciousness is “what goes around comes around” we need to take then next spiritually rational step to see that we ourselves must add that compassion we would see in the world, so that it can be shared by all, can be learned by all, and eventually come back to us as well. And in this giving we receive the greatest gift, which is giving the high virtues that are in our heart.

I call compassion a “gateway” virtue because it helps us get past the barrier our own feelings of hurt, anger and defensiveness put up. When we sincerely look within we can see and feel in our own pain or embarrassment what is must feel like for others who are suffering the same, or have behaved in similar, less than enlightened ways. In our ordinary society we are tempted to judge others who err or who have seemed to hurt us, but looking at our own errors we can feel what they felt like, both the stresses and ignorance that led to our lacks or faults, as well as the shame, defensiveness, embarrassment and perhaps denial, as well as the stress of trying to change and become better than we were.

Here we can turn our own pain into a gift for others, and see that we indeed cannot judge them. This opens the gate to forgive them, to have compassion and refrain from judgment. And as we give this to others we learn to accept forgiveness and compassion ourselves. Innately knowing that we have increased our own virtue with compassion and forgiveness we feel better about ourselves, and so grow all the other virtues that we seek to embody. We become more loving, more kind and peaceful and more willing to give and receive goodness in our lives.

Compassion turns us around and lifts us out of our pit of despair or anger. We say, “Yes, I know what that’s like. I’m no different.” We all have human foibles, and we are all learning. Remember that it’s easier to learn from a kind teacher than a cruel one. End your judgment by passing through the gate of compassion. You will both learn and teach better than before.

Finding Heaven On Earth

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:45:39 +0000

The only evil in this world is our own repetition of the negativity of others. We are exposed to judgment and all manner of negative behaviors and responses to what happens, including fear, all during our lives. We have to make the choice in each moment to respond to our experiences in a better way than we have been shown. We have been judged and didn’t like it, yet despite our dislike of judgment we learned to judge others and ourselves as if that were a virtue or socially useful behavior. How can we take on and continue a behavior we didn’t like to be exposed to in the first place?

When I was growing up I was picked on a fair amount. I picked up the habit of judging as I was judged, and for years treated myself as badly as the other kids did. I also learned to judge others in subtle and not so subtle ways. I was out of high school but I carried high school around inside me for a couple of decades. I had become my own enemy, all because of how others demonstrated how I should be treated, and how one treated others.

It should be obvious, but do you realize that having any sort of disapproval of what or how someone is doing something is judgment and is as harsh as any attack? How often do you see someone dressed a certain way and you “don’t like it” or “don’t care for it”? So what? Do you want to live in a world that is like your high school where anyone who was a little different was looked down on? And do you really want to do that to yourself?

Free yourself from others judgments by freeing yourself from judging others, and thus end your playing along with, yes, the only evil in the world. Don’t judge yourself. The best experience one can have is non-judgment – feeling accepted as you are, imperfections and all, but also accepting others just the same. Indeed the greatest imperfection, perhaps the only one, is judgment of imperfection itself. Even judgment of judgment is a mistake.

There’s that old saying, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” In separation there will be mistakes, deficiencies and plain old differences, but that is inherent in a world created out of our imperfect conception of ourselves and of reality. Yet the divine self, the true nature of our being in spirit, is unconcerned with the external time and space manifestations of separation. It concerns itself with its own inner state, which it maintains according to truth, and the reality of Oneness. When we attune to that and cease judgment we have eliminated that much more “evil” (non-love, non-truth, separation-thinking) from the world.

So what do you do? Experience. See and observe and feel without condemnation. Then you are a peaceful presence, rather than going around and striking others with your opinions or flagellating yourself silently as if that would impress anyone you would want to impress. You are now free and so are they; free from the battery of judgment you have endured for so long.

(Note: I was at a gathering a while back and a woman across the room whom I hadn’t met yet glanced at me and I felt her judge me for some reason. It actually felt like I had been batted in the head with a pillow! So you see, when you judge, you actually do impact others with subtle energy. It can also reinforce in others subconsciously that they are in an unloving world and that there is something wrong with them. Haven’t we had enough of that?)

When you were in school I’m sure you wanted good friends; people who didn’t judge you, because it felt good to be accepted for who you were. When others or your parents differed in their opinions of how you were living your life or judged you for some reason it didn’t feel good. You wanted to be accepted. Unfortunately we are taught to try to win acceptance by conforming, and oddly, sometimes that conformity is manifested by joining in the judgment and non-acceptance of self and others. Accepting judgments and feeling bad about your self or resentful are part of this as well. We are taught to seek acceptance but not to give it. This is the error of the world run by ideas of separation.

Remember that the world is backwards from spirit. We put the cart before the horse – before the engine of manifestation – which is our own spirit. Thus, if you want to be accepted you must accept others and self. Ego tries to get stuff for itself first. “I want to be accepted” it says, but really one best dwells on “I treasure the feeling of being accepted so I will accept myself and share that treasure by accepting others as they are.” Thus you center in your spirit, your own true state, without seeking something from others in time/space that you can create within yourself and share with everyone.

Also note that you can make choices without the condemnation sort of judgment. This is an important distinction. To observe that someone is living a negative pattern is not condemnation, and not judging doesnt mean you aren’t observing when it’s not good to be involved with that person in some way. Non-judgment is also a matter of remembering that each person has been through experiences that they didn’t have the tools to handle with grace and come away without being negatively shaped by them. And that you are the same in that respect. It also means that in loving them as they are without condemnation AND with choice will remove from their lives and the world the “abuse” that is condemnation and will aid them, others and you in rising even higher and with greater ease.

With no bargain to make, no compromise or sale necessary, you find you already have the greatest treasure: self-acceptance and non-judgment of others as your core of character. Your life is wrapped in the warm blanket of love and radiates peace and kindness toward all. This is heaven on Earth.

Your Reputation with the Universe

Eric J Tischler — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:25:30 +0000

Embrace value or be embraced by judgment. To be respected you must be respectable. True quality is blameless, so seek to embody that. Fearing blame is not the answer. Instead, seek to embody the highest quality. Your reputation will follow suit and be visible to all but the spiritually blind, whose opinions are not to be considered.