Anyway, during this visit of about 5 days, as time progressed I found myself running into these same old and new frustrations and getting more and more impatient and bothered, and as much as I tried to behave myself my irritation was becoming an irritation to her as well. I didn’t want that. She couldn’t help being as she was, whether due to personality or age, and it wasn’t my job to change her, even if I could. Being the sort of person who always wants to become more at peace and loving, I naturally questioned my behavior and found a solution.

I observed that my irritation was not about my mother’s behavior but about my “needs” and as a result I was denying her a comfortable experience of my presence. I was there for both of us to enjoy each other’s company, but what was happening was I was complaining about what I was not getting. It was about me, not us. I was being selfish and grasping. I’m sure that there was some element of my child self that was still trying to get the kind of ideal mother experience that I had not quite had all those years. Overall, she was a good mother, and still, I wanted her to be a certain way. I also wanted her not to fade away into old age and become even less of the perfect mother I had dreamed of. But that’s not life.

Life is how you are in the world, not how others are to you. The child self is all about getting things and experiences for itself, for it survival and growth. As we grow up we need to transition to self-sufficiency and learn to give. Giving is what builds the world. “Getting-ism” is the world’s big problem. People grab and complain and take and hoard. And if they are “generous” it is too often to get something in return, even if it’s only a thank you, and then they complain about not getting a thank you. That’s not giving. They complain about others because, like a child, they are not getting what they want. As a result they themselves add to the world more irritation, yet another who is not a giving person but a getter.

So what did I do about my mom? I did nothing but to stop trying to get an experience just for me, and was mindful of what I was giving her. What did she want? To be loved as she is. What do I want? To love her as she is, and to be that kind of person who is myself not an irritation, which is what I was becoming over the course of those five days.

I’m not perfect myself. I’m sure there are things I do that are not another person’s ideal, but that’s me. They may be just personality traits or actual imperfections, but I’m me, and I do my best. So does my mom. So do we all; and what we can do better is offer to each other peace and patience, and not just mere tolerance.

Gandhi said to be the change you want to see in the world. I changed myself, but not to change my mother. Yet I did change my experience of her. While she was still the way she was, and I still have to experience her limitations and personality quirks, they are no longer irritating. I love her. I let her be, and I am a better person for it. And she in turn has a better experience of me and of life. I gave her something: peace. I have grown up.

© 2010, Eric J Tischler. All rights reserved.

When you want a better experience, be in the world but not of it, meaning external events don’t determine your mood. Materail things don’t determine your spirit. You know that what Creates is your spirit. Thus it is necessary to look on and EXPERINECE without condemnation even though you know there are higher external options available. The objective value of the external event is undebatable, so you don’t need to condemn it. What the experience is about is not the other’s behavior, but your own spiritual stance in the face of it. You need to change what is determining the events of your life, and that is your own consciousness. Trying to change others is impractical materialism. Changing yourself so as to create a new expression of your spirit in life is practical spirituality.

Remember always what I teach about negative emotion: it’s always an attempt to get someone else to change, forgetting that your own issues within are what draw events to you to prod you to change your inner workings. You are the puppeteer of your life. You need to change what the hand – your spirit – is doing, not scowl at the puppet. If there’s content in the script you don’t prefer, thank the actors for letting you see it and look within at the script. See their innocence and devotion, and love them for it. Silently thank them whole heartedly. This is a major difference in one’s approach to life.

No, others are not puppets of you, but rather take the approach that your life is the puppet of you spirit. All the puppeteers in your puppet show are glad to follow your spirit-script. Even your enemies are not your enemies but actors in your play, totally and instantly devoted to the script you the author give them in each moment. I repeat: love your players, knowing they are innocent of the scripted role they are playing for you. Thank them in every moment for executing the script so exactingly, knowing that when you give them a rewrite they will respond.

You don’t battle the puppets, but change the script. And if the script includes some “dramatic” scenes now and then, you silently acknowledge how well they were played by the actors and forgive them their fearsome visage. You get to decide if you are going to get hooked by the script, or are you going to remember is all just a play, and that all are innocent and loving servants of spirit’s purpose. If you get hooked by the script then you are putting yourself in the position of a puppet, not the puppeteer/author.

While we work “on” the outer with the inner and envision it being better around us, the real test, the real aim is your inner peace in the face of the outer that may still be facing you – prompting you to change. Spiritual growth is sort of a two phase process: a) change your inner nature so it does not manifest negatives outwardly, and b) change your response to as yet “unimproved” externals so they don’t determine how you feel about them or yourself. The overall effect is a shift of thinking the causes are external to practicing the truth that they are interna. You come from true cause and true nature, respectively. They are both within, meaning spirit, the hand in the puppet of life.

What a great performance!

© 2009 – 2010, Eric J Tischler. All rights reserved.